Reality

Wow. It's 2011.. and I've only written here once. I guess I replaced it with a good old fashioned journal. But now that's full, so until I get another one, I'll post here again. I don't know why I like this thing. No one knows about it, but I like the fact if someone happens to stumble upon it, I wont be typing to no one.

I need to figure things out. I keep telling myself "I hate you," but in the same thought process, I love what I have going for me as well. I'm due to be married this year. I have a job I love. I've adopted three amazing cats that fill my heart with so much love. I'm living with the love of my life, someone who really cares about me. We're living on our own, not depending on anyone but each other. And yet... I hate myself. I have this unexplainable urge to disappear but have no initiative to do so. I don't even want to die. But the urge, sometimes, is ridiculously strong. I'm caught in a vortex I cannot seem to get away from. I have so much good in my life, yet feel so incredibly sad. I've come so far, and yet still feel as if I'm in the same exact position.

It's not as easy as checking myself into a treatment center. I have bills to think about. A job to keep. A family to be with. Another person I'd be leaving home alone. It's not about me anymore. I have more components now. It doesn't matter what I do, "getting help" is out of the question. I could always see a therapist, but an hour is never quite long enough. I need a day. Or a week. Just to talk about everything.. things I don't even know is distressing me. I need to cry. And I know that the bottom line is, "well if you don't get help now, it will be too late." I've heard that much too many times before. It's not totally true. If I don't have the option of treatment, then it can never get bad enough to seek some. Because I know it's not an option, so I know I can't let myself deteriorate completely.

I feel like I'm forcing myself to be how I should feel. I wake up in the morning and don't want to get out of bed..ever. I just want to sleep my life away. But, I know I shouldn't. I KNOW I have a job I've wanted for a long time, I KNOW I have responsibilities to pursue, so I trick myself into thinking I'm excited to leave for the day... and I get out of bed. About the time I'm sitting in my 'teacher chair' for circle time and see 20 sets of eyes watching me, waiting for my next move or direction to them, every single set bursting with anticipation.. it hits me again. I am an emotionless blob just going through the motions I need to be to get through the day. And then, again, I KNOW I love being who those preschoolers turn to for guidance, I KNOW I love being with them every day.. So i trick myself again and start to do a silly dance. This goes on all through out the day. Until I'm in my bed, my favorite time of the day is when I get to sleep.

I feel helpless, hopeless, and just plain scared. I'm pushing those I love away from me, I'm pushing every thing away. I don't have the energy or will power to do anything.

letter

Dear [whoever I decide to give this to],

I’m writing this out because I’ve yet to find the courage to admit all of it out loud. Thank you for reading:

I hope you never have to see what I’m watching now. I hope you never have to sit back and watch yourself die. Which is exactly what I am doing, watching myself slowly fade away. I can’t watch any longer. I don’t want to sit with my hands tied behind my back. I feel trapped. My eating disorder is slowly shutting down my body. But I need it. Why? Because the eating disorder is what is keeping me from being suicidal. After I failed at my suicide attempts, I began to intently focus on succeeding in controlling what did and did not go in my body, when I threw up, how often, ect. I felt like if I couldn’t succeed at death, the one thing I had put my heart into, I’d be damned if I didn’t succeed at the only other thing that consumed my every thought. Now, I’m up against a wall. If I get help for my eating disorder, I face being suicidal again. If I don’t, I face dying of malnutrition. Truth is, I don’t want to die at all. I know it sounds crazy, but even though I don’t want to, I have no control at this point. The ED is keeping me alive in a sense, it’s keeping the suicidal/depressive thoughts and impulsive actions away. And honestly, it’s the only thing keeping them away. However, I can also feel the effects it is having on my body.

I need help. I cannot, in any way shape or form, do this by myself. I have started out patient treatment for my ED—while following my meal plan, something clicked and a red flag went up. Even though it was only a few days in to it, those depressive thoughts already began to resurface. I know I need to confront these feelings. I know I need to work through them. But honestly, I’ve been covering them up for so long with the eating disorder, I don’t even know what they are. Truthfully, I’m terrified to find out. There’s a reason they’ve been buried all of these years, there is a reason they drove me to suicide attempts beforehand. But as scared as I am, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to watch myself wither away to nothing, because at this point the bulimia has rapidly transformed in to early stages of anorexia. I also don’t want to watch myself end my own life. One of the two will happen if I don’t get the proper help soon. I don’t have time to wait any longer. I don’t know how else to express how desperate I am.

I am taking a medical withdrawal from school for the semester. I can no longer ignore my past- it’s causing me to destroy my future. I long to be an amazing teacher someday- but at this point, I don’t even see myself graduating college. Deep down, I think it’d be a good idea to be admitted to either impatient or residential. I don’t just have to tackle bulimia; I have to be in a safe environment while doing so. I don’t trust myself to be safe without an eating disorder. As much as its killing me, it’s been what’s kept me alive thus far. I’m horribly scared to go through with this, afraid even if I give it my all, it wont work. But there is no other choice. No other option. I need the extra nudge in the right direction- please, will you give it to me?