I need to figure things out. I keep telling myself "I hate you," but in the same thought process, I love what I have going for me as well. I'm due to be married this year. I have a job I love. I've adopted three amazing cats that fill my heart with so much love. I'm living with the love of my life, someone who really cares about me. We're living on our own, not depending on anyone but each other. And yet... I hate myself. I have this unexplainable urge to disappear but have no initiative to do so. I don't even want to die. But the urge, sometimes, is ridiculously strong. I'm caught in a vortex I cannot seem to get away from. I have so much good in my life, yet feel so incredibly sad. I've come so far, and yet still feel as if I'm in the same exact position.
It's not as easy as checking myself into a treatment center. I have bills to think about. A job to keep. A family to be with. Another person I'd be leaving home alone. It's not about me anymore. I have more components now. It doesn't matter what I do, "getting help" is out of the question. I could always see a therapist, but an hour is never quite long enough. I need a day. Or a week. Just to talk about everything.. things I don't even know is distressing me. I need to cry. And I know that the bottom line is, "well if you don't get help now, it will be too late." I've heard that much too many times before. It's not totally true. If I don't have the option of treatment, then it can never get bad enough to seek some. Because I know it's not an option, so I know I can't let myself deteriorate completely.
I feel like I'm forcing myself to be how I should feel. I wake up in the morning and don't want to get out of bed..ever. I just want to sleep my life away. But, I know I shouldn't. I KNOW I have a job I've wanted for a long time, I KNOW I have responsibilities to pursue, so I trick myself into thinking I'm excited to leave for the day... and I get out of bed. About the time I'm sitting in my 'teacher chair' for circle time and see 20 sets of eyes watching me, waiting for my next move or direction to them, every single set bursting with anticipation.. it hits me again. I am an emotionless blob just going through the motions I need to be to get through the day. And then, again, I KNOW I love being who those preschoolers turn to for guidance, I KNOW I love being with them every day.. So i trick myself again and start to do a silly dance. This goes on all through out the day. Until I'm in my bed, my favorite time of the day is when I get to sleep.
I feel helpless, hopeless, and just plain scared. I'm pushing those I love away from me, I'm pushing every thing away. I don't have the energy or will power to do anything.
